Summer Of Leavings

Here it is September and for a change I don’t mind the summer season being over. Yes, technically, summer is till the 21st but this is one year I won’t quibble the difference. This has been a very hard season, filled with heartaches, one horrid others just tough.

My dear darling niece, Alice, lost her fight with opioid addiction in July. 29 years old and now lives only in our hearts.  The emptiness, the void, it is overwhelming. How do we learn to continue, how do we find normalcy? Will our balance ever be restored?  We do continue, we do put one foot in front of the other, we smile and say we are well, we are doing okay. The reality? We don’t even know what that means. We wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath, the visions so real we can sense them: sight, sound, smell, touch, they are all there. Why, my darling, Why? You were loved so very dearly, and we shall always love you, we shall always miss you.

The only good in this loss was the gathering of loved ones. My nieces, nephews, cousins, children all gathered in my home to be there for me, for my devastated sister. How wonderful that was and the outpouring of love and support from so many people before, during and after the service. But then they too had to leave, to go back to their own lives,  to try and make some sense out of this senseless world. And I miss them.

In August, my son called, “Mom can I come stay with you and Paul for a while. Christine and I can’t live together right now and I need a place to stay til I find somewhere else.”  But of course, and bring Kat (his cat) as well, I will put away my sewing room for as long as necessary. (Yes, that is a leaving of it’s own, I love going in there even if only to look around and smile, and now I miss it) He found a place rather quickly. How I loved having him here, taking walks together to the park, laughing, chatting or just sitting all in the living room, each involved in their own. He is gone again now, I wish him well, I hope he finds contentment, and I miss him.

And there’s my daughter. Her husband is in the Navy, well in a way they are all in the Navy. Kevin received his new orders. In March, he, she and three of my grandchildren will be moving across the county to the state of Washington. How wonderful for them, the adventure, the newest, the beauty of that part of the country. I am thrilled for them, I am brokenhearted, I will miss them.

Finally there is my mom slowly slipping deeper and deeper into herself. One day all is well and she knows, the next, she struggles with thoughts, her memories. She has had aphasia for a number of years, conversation is all but impossible, she doesn’t quite know what we are saying and we struggle to understand what she means to say. And I miss her.

So summer of 2017 is all but over, I will not miss it.


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